Confirmation Bias

"People almost always find what they're expecting to find if they allow their expectations to guide their search."   -Bart Ehrman

Confirmation bias is a powerful thing, especially when you're trying to go to sleep in a hospital bed.  The last time I was here, a little less than 10 months ago was a scary experience.  I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, my heart racing and at an irregular rhythm.  I waited a few hours to see if it would go away and when it didn't, Wendy drove me to Urgent care.  I felt really faint.  I couldn't walk long distances and knew this wasn't right.

"We're cancelling this visit.  We won't charge your insurance and you won't be billed," the doctor said a couple minutes into the EKG.  "You need to go straight to the Emergency Room.  We can call an ambulance if you like," but the hospital was literally just around the corner and I was able to get into the car okay.  The nurse disconnected the EKG and the Urgent Care doctor told me my heart was in Atrial Fibrillation, a condition I later learned isn't uncommon in older people but rare in younger people who are healthy. I guess they considered me healthy... well, other than the A-Fib.

It was Memorial Day and I had plans to break the barbeque in for the summer but there would be no meat fest that day.  I was a code orange in the E.R. and at the top of the list.  Above a kid who had broken his leg skateboarding and someone who had been in a car accident.  My resting heart rate was in the 160's to 180's beats per minute and it took a shot of meds to bring it down.  To add insult to injury, the T.V. was on the food channel and in honor of the holiday, programs about barbequed meals were scheduled for the day.  As out of place and tortuous that was, it gave me a glimmer of hope that I'd still be able to use my grill later on that evening.  After a few hours in the E.R. my heart hadn't switched back to a normal rhythm, and my hopes were dashed when the E.R. doctor told me I would spent the night in the hospital. 

This time around wasn't much different.  I knew what to expect and this made the experience less scary.  This time however, the overall feeling I had was discouragement.  There was a good chance the first time that it was just a fluke.  I had been told, hopefully, that many young people may get A-Fib once and never get it again.  I theorized that perhaps I was just dehydrated... because I had read that somewhere.  I couldn't recall drinking any water but lots of soda the day before and I created a narrative in my mind that this wasn't that big of a deal.  Still, it jump started a healthier lifestyle and I now drink a lot more water everyday and have almost completely cut out soda.

This time it came regardless of my healthier lifestyle.  I immediately knew what was happening, this time at 7:20 am, only frustration largely took the place of fear.  This isn't a mere fluke.

It all went pretty much like it did last Memorial day.  Even a bit better.  My heart rate was only in the 130's to 150's.  Not great but slightly better than the 160's to 180's.  The medicine slowed it down much quicker too.  Perhaps getting to the hospital right away made a difference.  The E.R. nurse even suggested I'd probably get to go home this time.  But it was all false hope.  On my Memorial Day visit my heart switched back on its own.  It needed medicine to slow the rate down but they didn't give me anything to kick the rhythm back to normal.  It finally switched back sometime between 4 and 5 pm, all on its own.  12 or so hours from when this ordeal started, give or take.

I wasn't so lucky today.  In the E.R. they put Amiodarone, a drug that should switch my heart rate back, in the I.V.  I learned very quickly that this medicine isn't good for me when my rate spiked and I began feeling like I was losing consciousness.  Once unhooked, I felt better... but still not better.

Maybe my heart will convert on its own before they figure out something else to give me, I hoped.  I wanted to believe my body could fix itself, without help.  I don't like this lack of control.  Time went by, I was given a room upstairs.  At least it was a good size and I didn't have to share.  I spoke with doctors, nurses, had a few visitors.  One bonus was that they didn't take my blood as much as the first time.  On the other hand, I was too faint to get up and I had to piss into a container.  Awkward...

The clock kept ticking and with every hour that approached five o'clock, I felt a greater sense of urgency for my heart to convert back to its proper rhythm... but it didn't.  5pm came and went with no improvement.  Around this time, they gave me another medicine, this time in pill form, to help the rate beat regularly.  They would give me a dose every couple of hours until it worked.  I felt a little defeated.  A few hours passed and the night nurse came in with another pill.  It may have been 8 or 9pm at this point.  Well past 7:20 at least, which was the 12 hour goal I had in my mind.  My blood levels showed my potassium was a bit low so they gave me a pill for that too.

This was rough. Was my heart ever going to get back to normal?  What if it didn't?

About 9:30 or so, Wendy went home.  Grandma and Grandpa can't stay all night.  I flipped through channels for a little bit and at 10:00 I decided it was bed time.

I just. Couldn't. Sleep.

Hospitals are terrible places to fall asleep.  I had a heart monitor hooked up to me, an I.V., vampires coming in to take your blood, and blood pressure and all sorts of things that keep you from getting the rest you need...  oh yeah, and when its quiet, your irregular heart rate is more evident than ever.  "...beat, beat, beat.....  .... .... beat, beat, beat.... beat   ...   beat..."  All the discouragement, the frustration, the defeat, finally crescendo and I did something many people do when they are desperate and which I haven't done in a while.  I prayed. 

I can't avoid a vital part of my life anymore and many people know this about me already.  I am an agnostic and I have been for at least 3 years.  What that means is perhaps for another post and my neglected blog was heading towards the "why" before I nearly abandoned it for several reasons, but the short version is that I can no longer say "I know" God exists... and if He/She/It does, what that even means.  I absolutely believe all religion's concepts of God are purely man-made, though perhaps they all have some divine influence... but again, this is for a different post.

"If you're out there and if you can hear me and if you can help me, please, please help my heart to go back to normal."  It lacked all the structure of how I was taught to pray.  I didn't even say "God."  But the sincerity was all there.  That desperate plea.  The heavens were closed at the moment but I did feel comforted, perhaps from the familiarity of it... like a long lost friend.  Just saying something, even when you're alone, makes you feel like you're less alone perhaps. 

This position is not going to work.  The light from the I.V. is shining in my face and I'm laying on wires.  I turn over to my left side and managed to get a bit more comfortable.  My long legs laid a bit funny on the bed and the pillows aren't ideal but its dark when I close my eyes and after what seemed like a long time, I start to drift...

Wait, I'm drifting off to sleep.  I feel comfortable.  I feel relaxed.  I don't feel nervous.  I feel my pulse.  Normal.  Now I can go to sleep... no I can't.  I wait about ten minutes, feeling my pulse and it remains normal.  I sit up.  I even stand up.  I don't feel faint.  I text Wendy: "I'm pretty sure I just switched."  I call the nurse who informs me that I in fact had and my heart rate is normal again.  I feel a sense of closure and assurance.  I text Wendy a few more times, who is relieved also.  Maybe we can both get some sleep tonight. 

My excitement keeps me awake for a while, as does the nurse who comes in at 12:30am to relieve me of some of my blood.  Eventually I manage to get to sleep for a few hours before I am poked and prodded again.  At some point in the night or maybe early morning I suddenly remember the prayer I said and the timing of my recovery.  Damn...  but thanks.

Many on the believing side are going to point to this as an affirmation that prayer works and that their particular God (Jesus, YHWH, Elohim, Apollo) is there.  Many who are skeptical of God's existence are going to point out that the timing also fits in with my two doses of medicine and potassium I was given.  It was a pretty convenient time to pray, with the cards stacked in favor of a recovery soon...  But still... I can't shake the feeling that something that cares about me is out there and has some degree of power to help when someone cries out for it.  It is highly, highly likely that this is purely confirmation bias on my part.  The reader can judge for them self, but what the hell... Thank you confirmation bias.

Who Is My Neighbor? A Straight Mormon's perspective on Same Sex Marriage

"Who is my neighbor?" asked the lawyer of Jesus.  In response Jesus told the now well-known parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30–37):

"A certain man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who both stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. By chance a certain priest was going down that way. When he saw him, he passed by on the other side. In the same way a Levite also, when he came to the place, and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he travelled, came where he was. When he saw him, he was moved with compassion, came to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. He set him on his own animal, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii, and gave them to the host, and said to him, 'Take care of him. Whatever you spend beyond that, I will repay you when I return.' Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbor to him who fell among the robbers?"

He said, "He who showed mercy on him."

Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do."

In 2000 as well as 2008 there were ballot initiatives that would clarify the law such that in California, marriage would only be recognized as being between a man and a woman.  It was anticipating future legislation, which could alter the definition of marriage to include same-sex relationships.  I was in California during both elections and the LDS church campaigned heavily to make sure each passed and they did, in part due to their efforts.  

I recall canvassing during Prop 22 to help it get passed.  We'd go around and hand out "Vote YES on 22" leaflets and our main task was to make sure that people understood that voting yes meant you wanted to keep marriage between a man and woman.  It was kind of fun because it reminded me of my mission days, going door to door but it seemed most people were supportive of our cause (I think it was generally a pretty conservative area to begin with) despite a few people who wanted nothing to do with us, there was a feeling that all would be right with the world and marriage would be safe. 

My experience with Prop 8 was much different.  Things were different.  People's views were changing.  My views were changing.  During Prop 22, I didn't think much about the issue of homosexuality.  It was not only a sin but a sin next to murder and we needed to protect society by ensuring that the official, state sponsored relationship was a heterosexual one.  At the time I felt that people who are gay may be good people with a difficult struggle to overcome, but if same sex marriage were given sanction it would change society and not for the better.  These arguments resonated with me in 2000 but in 2008, they left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.  They certainly did not seem very neighborly and unfortunately at the time I, like the Priest and Levite who walked past the injured man on the road to Jericho, did nothing to help.   

I, like the Levite and Priest, did nothing partially because of my religious tradition.  The tradition in Jesus' time was such that to touch a dead body would defile one's self, particularly if you were of the priestly class.  If the Priest or Levite were to check on the man lying in the street and by doing so touch his body, they risked touching a dead body, which would require an inconvenient cleansing ritual (Numbers 19:11-13).  Handling a corpse was not the duty of a priest.  The Priest and Levite not only avoided touching the body, they moved to the other side of the road to avoid having to even deal with the issue.  Likewise, the LDS church was actively involved in the Prop 8 campaign, which gave me justification to avoid dealing with the issue, despite the pain occurring from the LGBT community.

At the time I am writing this now, in 2012, my views on same sex marriage and homosexuality have completely reversed. How did I get here?  How did I go from going door to door, soliciting the idea that marriage should remain between a man and a woman to thinking that LGBT partners should also be allowed to be married?

I first came to the conclusion that people don't choose to be gay.  

Did I choose to be heterosexual?  Could I, with enough will power, make the choice to be homosexual?  Not a chance.  The idea of kissing another man makes me more than a little uncomfortable... but it leads me to the conclusion, anecdotally that as I did not choose to be heterosexual, it seems unlikely that anyone would choose homosexuality... and why would they?  Bullying, rejection from family, friends, society and even God, feelings of guilt and inadequacy are not enjoyable and the numbers bear this out.  LGBT youth are 4 times more likely to take their own life than heterosexual counterparts with between 30% and 40% of them attempting suicide¹.  These are people beaten up and left on their own road to Jericho.  The following is taken from a friend, Shawna, who struggles with many health problems yet talks of how much harder it is being gay in a culture which doesn't make room for her: 

"EVEN MORE DIFFICULT THAN JUST BEING GAY,--- IS BEING A GAY MORMON. You have no idea how conflicting that is. You think my health issues have been hard, try walking in my shoes, being gay, and Mormon. Are you afraid cancer might kill me? Be more concerned that I will take my own life, for there's not a day I don't fight with suicidal thoughts because I struggle with being something I didn't choose to be, and a religion that doesn't allow one to act on their sexuality. To my wonderful, faithful, family-oriented friends, imagine if your heterosexuality were to be denied, and you were told you could only marry someone of your same sex. How could you do that if you're heterosexual, and not homosexual? People are born gay." 

There are countless stories like this and far too many that end tragically. Currently the causes of homosexuality are not completely clear.  Genetics play a role and there are also environmental factors within the womb, which may play a role.  There is probably not one cause from a biological standpoint.  What is clear is that it is not a choice for the individual².

Is there a “cure”?

People don't choose their sexual orientation but can people be "cured" from homosexuality?  I'll leave the philosophical question of whether there is actually anything "wrong" with being gay to the individual, but one thing is clear, that as of now, there is no evidence of any effective way to change someone's sexual orientation.  In fact, all attempts at doing so appear to cause far more damage to the individual.  Attempts at personal righteousness or trying to act in a gender appropriate way or dating those of the opposite sex or especially the more extreme measures like shock therapy, greatly decrease the emotional well being and often do irreversible damage to the individual.  Oh, and they don't actually change a person's sexual orientation³.  In trying to help these individuals in this way, we are only beating them up more. 

What about the children?  

In the most recent General Conference of the church, Elder Dalin H. Oaks said in his talk about protecting children:

Most of the children born to unmarried mothers—58 percent—were born to couples who were cohabitating. Whatever we may say about these couples’ forgoing marriage, studies show that their children suffer significant comparative disadvantages. For children, the relative stability of marriage matters.

We should assume the same disadvantages for children raised by couples of the same gender. The social science literature is controversial and politically charged on the long-term effect of this on children, principally because, as a New York Times writer observed, “same-sex marriage is a social experiment, and like most experiments it will take time to understand its consequences.⁴” (Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Protect the Children," General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints2012)

Elder Oaks is referring to a highly controversial 2012 study in which 15,000 people were randomly asked if their parents have EVER been in a same-sex relationship and then asked a range of questions about well being, employment, etc. and they found that children raised with a parent who has at some point had a same-sex relationship turned out significantly worse off than the rest⁵.

The framing of questions in studies is important and the problem is that there is a huge difference between a child who has a parent who has "ever had a romantic relationship with a member of the same sex" and a child who is raised by committed, same-sex parents.  While he acknowledges this limitation, the author downplays it. Included in the sample of people raised by a parent who was gay are all sorts of scenarios that probably are damaging to a child's development and which in the past at least were more prevalent to children who were raised by a parent who is gay. It is important to remember, however that people who were gay were often forced through social pressure into heterosexual relationships which are far more likely to fail, leading to split families and instability for their children when they would separate.

This study does not control for children raised by two same-sex parents from infancy, which would be the equivalent to children raised by traditional parents. In fact, the study never asks if participants were raised by a same sex couple so there is not even data to compare. Instead it lumps them all together. To Elder Oak's main point in his talk, the study does confirm that children do better in stable environments by two committed parents who love each other. If anything, this seems like a good argument to elevate same-sex partners with children to a legally recognized status: marriage. It would be good for the children.
This more appropriately fits with past studies on same sex parenting.  In a 2006 review of the studies to date of the social implications of same sex couples, on the question of children raised by same sex couples the review concluded:

Despite considerable variation in the quality of their samples, research design, measurement methods, and data analysis techniques, the findings to date have been remarkably consistent. Empirical studies comparing children raised by sexual minority parents with those raised by otherwise comparable heterosexual parents have not found reliable disparities in mental health or social adjustment. Differences have not been found in parenting ability between lesbian mothers and heterosexual mothers. Studies examining gay fathers are fewer in number but do not show that gay men are any less fit or able as parents than heterosexual men (Herek, Gregory. “Legal Recognition of Same-Sex Relationships in the United States: A Social Science Perspective,” American Journal: 2006).

Elder Oaks is correct in saying that children need to be protected from many threats.  It appears however that same-sex parenting is not one of them and that there is no reason to assume that children raised by gay parents are at any such disadvantage.

Why is homosexuality considered such a serious sin in the first place?  

The short answer is because the Bible says so... at least at first glance.  Closer inspection and a clearer understanding of the context as well as translation misunderstandings, brings into serious question many of the verses which seem to be clearly stating that homosexuality is condemned.  I would love it if all these verses could be explained away but there are a couple which are hard to argue are not condemning, namely Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 as well as Romans 1:26-27, though even for those there is more ambiguity than at first glance.  The website religioustolerance.org has a fairly comprehensive section called, "What the Bible says and means about same-sex behavior."

Latter-day Saints have a few other problems if they want reconciliation between their beliefs and a view that supports gay rights: following the prophet.  Fundamental to Mormonism is the belief that modern prophets communicate with God, just as the prophets of old and because of this, there is strong pressure in the church to conform views with pronouncements from these leaders.  To further complicate the issue, all the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and First Presidency are also considered "Prophets, Seers and Revelators."  The message from these LDS leaders has been quite clear, even going as far as to give resources to push ballot measures advocating traditional marriage. 

There is a saying that, "Catholics say the Pope is infallible but don't believe it. Mormons say the Prophet isn't infallible and don't believe it."  Biblical prophets were not perfect, why should we expect modern day prophet perfection?  Terryl Givens, a Mormon scholar writes in his "Letter to a Doubter":

Abraham lied about Sariah being his sister. Isaac deceives Esau and steals both his birthright and his blessing (but maybe that’s ok because he is a patriarch, not a prophet strictly speaking). Moses took glory unto himself at the waters of Meribah, and was punished severely as a consequence. He was also guilty of manslaughter and covered up his crime. Jonah ignored the Lord’s call, then later whined and complained because God didn’t burn Ninevah to the ground as he had threatened. It doesn’t get a lot better in the New Testament. Paul rebuked Peter sharply for what he called cowardice and hypocrisy in his refusal to embrace the gentiles as equals. Then Paul got into a sharp argument with fellow apostle Barnabas and they parted company. So where on earth do we get the notion that modern day prophets are infallible specimens of virtue and perfection? Joseph [Smith] said emphatically, “I don’t want you to think I am very righteous, for I am not very righteous.” (Givens, Terryl. “Letter to a Doubter,” From a Fireside Presentation to the Single Adult Stake, Palo Alto, CA: 14 October 2012. Revised on October 22, 2012)

One must get rid of the idea that prophets can't teach us anything wrong.  They are men and men with biases and opinions.  Brigham Young taught that Polygamy was essential to gaining exaltation, that Adam was God and that blacks wouldn't receive the Priesthood until the Millennium and for years these were doctrines of the church that now we have abandoned.  Either one must believe that the church is in apostasy, or that Brigham Young, the prophet at the time, was wrong.  From the scriptures themselves Paul admits, "For now we see through a glass, darkly" (1 Corinthians 13:12). The Christian Pastor Brian McLaren echoes my feelings:

Over time, I could not square their [gay parishioners] stories and experiences with the theology I had inherited. So I re-opened the issue, read a lot of books, re-studied the Scriptures, and eventually came to believe that just as the Western church had been wrong on slavery, wrong on colonialism, wrong on environmental plunder, wrong on subordinating women, wrong on segregation and apartheid (all of which it justified biblically) ... we had been wrong on this issue. In this process, I did not reject the Bible. In fact, my love and reverence for the Bible increased when I became more aware of the hermeneutical assumptions on which many now-discredited traditional interpretations were based and defended. I was able to distinguish "what the Bible says" from "what this school of interpretation says the Bible says," and that helped me in many ways. (McLaren, Brian. “A farewell, Brian McLaren moment, or not,” http://brianmclaren.net)

 

I know many in the church, if they've made it this far, will not agree with me. They may even condemn my point of view. I hear so often that same-sex marriage being legalized is a sign of the world becoming more and more wicked and evil. At this point, I need to express that it is because of my religious upbringing, combined with the truth I have learned about homosexuality and the painful stories I've heard, that I feel I must come to new conclusions on this issue.  I don't, however, feel that I must abandon my faith to do so.


How do I make sense of what is of God and what is the prophet's (modern or ancient) opinion?
 

Thankfully, Jesus himself answers this very question. In Matthew 22, Jesus is asked of a lawyer what the greatest commandment is (v.36). Jesus answers first that we are to love God with all our heart but volunteers, without being asked, the second greatest commandment which is like the first: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (v.39) The next part is key: "On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” (v.40) Loving God and loving our neighbor are like unto each other. Jesus is showing how we show love to God: through loving your neighbor. It is clear from the text that Jesus is teaching that these twin laws supersede statements in the Bible or statements by modern day Prophets.

Who is our neighbor?  In another version or in a similar situation found in Luke and at the top of this page, Jesus uses the story of the Good Samaritan to illustrate not only who our neighbors are but who we should be neighbors to.  Samaritans and Jews hated one another.  They were rival religions who both believed the other were perverting the ways of God.  At the time of Jesus, tensions were especially high.  Jesus, being a Jew and having a Jewish audience, used the Samaritan to push the point that it is through showing mercy and compassion and kindness that we can be neighbors to our fellow man.  He flipped the lawyer’s question, from who is my neighbor to how can we be neighbors to others, despite our differences?  Conversely, He used the Priest and Levite to show that religious beliefs and practices can keep people from being a neighbor to someone in need and therefore break the two most important commandments of all. 

I can't judge others for their views, only myself.  I don't seek to change anyone's mind here but lets review what is known about the issue.  People don't choose their sexual orientation.  Sexual orientation can't be changed and attempting to do so is often harmful.  People engaging in same-sex relationships don’t actually hurt anybody.  I would like people to ponder this:  Can we truly be neighbors by showing love, compassion and kindness if we treat them as second-class citizens and withhold rights that seem very likely to improve their emotional happiness?  Can we truly be neighbors to Gay and Lesbian members of society if we do not make them part of our community and allow them to live lives as full and happy as we seek to live?  Can we truly be neighbors to our fellowmen if a good portion of them are forced to choose between their religion and fulfilling lives with families of their own like my friend Shawna:

"I am alone, and always will be in this life, because I am prohibited from loving who I am attracted to. I have never been attracted to men. I've dated guys because I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to find out I'm attracted to females. I wanted to have the faith that marrying a guy would bring blessings to me as I raise our children unto the Lord. But I just couldn't go through with marrying anyone. I still feel ashamed that I'm attracted to the same sex, and I am pretty scared putting myself out here like this. I have decided I can't turn away while one more gay youth, young adult or adult (especially Mormon) takes their own lives, or feels they have to leave the church because they can't reconcile their homosexuality with their faith."

Will allowing same sex marriage change society?  Will morality, as we know it be changed forever?  It is important to realize that this is a given.  Society is always changing and this includes when rights are given to people.  Would you go back to a time before segregation was done away with because of the changes it had on society?  Would you take away the right of women to vote?  What changes on society did freeing slaves have?  To take it to the genesis of our country, what effect on society did freeing the people from the tyranny of the King of England have?  At each one of these milestones there were those who feared the possible changes to society resulting from giving rights to certain people.  Sometimes our understanding of morality NEEDS to be changed forever, especially when the status quo means people are figuratively (and sometimes literally), beaten and left on the side of the road.  Perhaps the question we should be asking is this: is our morality changing in ways where we are showing more love and compassion and kindness to our fellow man?  For me at least, this means my views on same-sex marriage had to be changed.

---

Endnotes:

1. Suicide Prevention Resource Center (2008) Suicide risk and prevention for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth. Newton, MA: Education Development Center, Inc.

2. Frankowski, Barbara. “Sexual Orientation and Adolescents,” PEDIATRICS: June 2004.

3. Haldeman, Douglas C. (1991), "Sexual orientation conversion therapy for gay men and lesbians: A scientific examination", in Gonsiorek, John; Weinrich, James, Homosexuality: Research Implications for Public Policy, Newbury Park, California: Sage Publications, Inc.

4. Douthat, Ross. “Gay Parents and the Marriage Debate,” New York Times: 11 June 2012.

5. Regnerus, Mark. “How different are the adult children of parents who have same-sex relationships? Findings from the New Family Structures Study,” Social Science Research, July 2012, Pages 752–770

6 - Experience

In the years following my initial faith crisis, I resolved a lot of the issues that had originally bothered me, at least superficially. One thing that brought me back to questioning however was, interestingly enough, Facebook. Through the wonders of this feature on the digital landscape we are able to connect with long lost friends of the past. Here I found many old acquaintances who had left the church or who no longer seemed to believe. Out of a sincere desire to understand why, I began to delve back into the old issues. For many, once the curtain had been pulled away, they seemed to completely leave their beliefs behind. For me, my faith is like a pendulum. I'm always going back and forth between having faith and being a skeptic. I hear good arguments against the metaphysical that make a lot of sense. However, what brings me back are those personal experiences, which while I understand how they may be explained away, still have had an emotional impact on me that I can't or perhaps don’t want to let go of.

The LDS church has a pretty strict interpretation of tithing, which paradoxically, leaves room for interpretation. It goes something like: you pay 10% of your income to the church. That's the church. It doesn’t count if you pay to some charity you like. "Income" is pretty much open to however you want to define it and there are no hard fast rules for how you should interpret income. That said, culturally, it is understood by most to mean 10% of your gross income.

I never had a problem paying my tithing and it’s always been on the gross... generally because my wife pays the bills. She always sets aside the money for it before paying our other bills. I've heard people tell stories about how they paid their tithing when they didn't know where the money for rent was going to come from and out of no where, an unexpected check would come and save them because of their faith. It makes sense that we would hear these stories and not the ones where the family doesn't get that unexpected check and they lose their house, but that's for another post perhaps. I never had one of those stories… well at least not until 2007 and the Writer's Guild of America decided to strike for several months.

Working as a freelance artist on a television show, I was paid a salary based on a productivity scale. During one rather productive period, I was bringing in a lot of money. Our bank account was filling up quickly and we began to think about what we should do with this small windfall. We had some pretty heavy bills and thought maybe there would be enough for some new purchases. Perhaps even a vacation. We stopped this kind of thinking when rumors of a strike began rumbling in the distance.

You can't have a story without a writer so when the WGA made the decision to strike, the entire industry just shut down. Perhaps you remember when all your favorite shows abruptly stopped mid-season? This is due to the fact that no writers would have been coming up with new story lines and the studios were not going to continue to pay wages when no work was being produced. With this in mind, my wife and I went into saving mode and felt relieved we had some extra cash to extend our survival if necessary.

On December 13, 2007 the work stopped… right before Christmas. Up to this point we had paid our tithing in full. We continued to pay on whatever money came in but the inflow was dramatically less. I like to compare it to flying an airplane and suddenly the engine stops. All you can do is coast. I did find scraps of work here and there and Wendy's job helped a lot but the engine was just sputtering. We were descending monetarily and the ground was fast approaching.

In the middle of February the strike ended, but it was another month before work started trickling in. Three months without work. All the extra money we saved was completely gone and spent on living expenses. I remember praying a lot and trying to trust that we would be taken care of during that time. Some will say that it is during the difficult periods that you have the most faith. That your prayers are sincere, that you try and get close to the spiritual. Sometimes it takes losing a lot to get serious about what you believe in. This was definitely true of us.

The very week we were about to empty out our account was the very week we got the first paycheck after the strike. We had been saved! All the praying and faith had paid off. We never went in the negative monetarily nor did we go further into debt. It was such a blessing. But we weren't out of the woods yet, because that very same year the actors' contract was also up for renegotiation and they were fairly slow in reaching an agreement. I worked for three months and then we went through another two months of no work. I did have a few side jobs, which helped, but for a second time the week we were about to run out of money we got a check from work. We were doing all we could do, but in the end, it seemed as though we were saved by grace. Okay, if the first time was just a coincidence, how do I explain it happening a second time?

That time felt as though I was just flowing down rapids in a river with no control over where I was going or whether I would drown or not. Something external appeared to keep me afloat. Whether its rational or not, experiences have an effect on our beliefs and that experience had a powerful effect on me. I felt close to God. I still had doubts and I still had questions but I they didn’t seem so daunting anymore. Perhaps that is why I allowed myself to explore them again. This time would be different …and it was.

5 - To the Edge and Back

I can't speak for every member of the Church, but for many people who have a crisis of faith, there is an analogy of putting things on the shelf. You put issues which are difficult and which you are uncomfortable dealing with on a proverbial shelf which you can at some later date, or perhaps never, peruse and deal with. Ever since I was able to think about matters of faith on a more adult level, there have been issues which I have put on my personal shelf.

An example that many Mormons could possibly relate with would be polygamy. I think this topic makes many members uncomfortable... especially women. There is a fear that perhaps the church will someday bring this principal back... and there's good reason for this. Many leaders have said that stopping polygamy was only a temporary thing. In a sense, we still have the doctrine. D&C 132 talks explicitly about plural marriage and it has not been removed from our cannon. Also, a man can be sealed to more than one wife even now. One example is that if a man's wife dies, he can become sealed to another wife which means they will be reunited with both in the hereafter. Since the church currently has strongly distanced itself from polygamy, I think most members think that its safe to just leave this in the past where it belongs but for some, this still just doesn't sit right. The deeper you dig, the more of these uncomfortable kinds of issues you will find.

I've heard many people say, they had to move to Utah to lose their faith. In a sense this was true of me, though probably not for the reasons others may intend. There were many reasons why we chose to move to "Zion". I was able to keep my job and do it freelance from home. Plus, house prices in Utah are a LOT cheaper than in California. Working at home has been nice but occasionally I have the freedom to surf the net... well, kind of like now...

A year or so into living in Utah somehow, I began taking things off my proverbial shelf and began looking into the validity of issues which made me uncomfortable. I thought, it's time to find out what this stuff is and if there is any validity.

I literally lost my faith.

I went on the FAIR boards (which is a mormon apologetic organization) to find answers. Sure, the message boards were run by FAIR but the discussions were often toxic. I was exposed to a lot of the issues with church history and I came to the conclusion that its all false. The church is a lie.

Everyone who struggles with intellectual doubts has their issue that they can't keep on the shelf and for me it was Blacks and the Priesthood. It all started with Brigham Young. There were a few black men who were ordained during Joseph Smith's time but under Brigham Young, this stopped. The reasons are fairly speculative as to why he didn't allow them to hold the Priesthood but one thing is clear, there is no official revelation which started the policy... which was all it was, just a simple policy, which could have easily been overturned. The problem was, that many leaders of the church, starting with Brigham, made statements to the effect that blacks would not be given the Priesthood until the Millennium. Not official statements but statements by people who are supposed to be prophets of the Church. Sure it was just a policy but to overturn it would go against something a previous prophet had said. I'm sure it can be seen why this complicates matters. How could a church which claims to be led by God have a policy which many leaders including prophets, say will not be overturned and then, years later overturn it?

Well, that's exactly what happened. In 1978, President Spencer W. Kimball, the prophet of the time, overturned the ban which effectively ended the policy. To complicate matters, the church was BEHIND the "world". By 1978, the Civil Rights movement was more or less finished as pertaining to race. Shouldn't we have been leading this movement instead of being dragged by it? None of the answers seemed satisfactory to me and to this day, this is the issue which has made me change my view of how the church, revelation and prophets really work. It isn't the only troubling issue but at the time, most others were things I could deal with. Blacks and the Priesthood was just the one I couldn't come up with a good explanation for. I and my faith had to change in order to keep believing. For a while I just couldn't do it.

Just to clarify something. I am not pointing out these issues to persuade anyone to stop believing because despite what many may think from reading this blog, I wouldn't classify myself as an unbeliever. I only wish to highlight a couple issues which many Latter Day Saints may find troubling. There are many other issues like this but these are among the more well known.

Filling up the shelf again.

I was a primary teacher (Sunday School for kids) with my wife as my faith was unraveling. It was probably a good thing that I didn't have to sit through Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) and Priesthood (class for just the men; the women have their class as well) at that time. That could have gone poorly. I struggled for months with this burden. I had no one I could talk to about it. I was afraid of telling even my wife Wendy. I never thought she would leave me but I didn't want to place this burden on her. I felt so alone. This wasn't working so I had to change something.

I decided to take it slow. I need to read the Book of Mormon one more time. Whatever the truth about that book, there is something about it which I can't quite let go of. As the holidays were approaching we decided as a family to read the Book of Mormon. I decided to personally just let all those things go for a while. I decided that we would read the Book of Mormon and if I still felt the way I did, I would talk to my wife and figure out if I would leave the church or stay.

That year was a good year. Work was going well. We seemed happier as a family. My faith was growing. I felt better and I even thought, whatever the truth about this book, there is something about it. Close to the end of the year we finished. I knelt down with my family and I prayed. I asked if the Book of Mormon was true. In an earlier entry, I mentioned that there have been few times when I said I felt the spirit like I never had before. When its distinguishable from just emotion. This was one of those handful of times. I KNEW the book was true. I still look back on that moment and I can't help but think that this feeling was in fact some kind of a confirmation. Maybe its not true in the historical sense nor does it mean that it means the church is the one true church, but in some metaphysical sense, it is true and this resonates with me. Its not the only reason, but it is one reason I remain an active participant in the church.

You can definitely explain this away. I wanted it to be true and so my mind told me it was true. Many people try and try for years without having any spiritual confirmation so I need to make sure its clear that this is my experience and I can't judge anyone else's. I fully understand that reasoning and I'm almost convinced of it myself but it was powerful. My family felt it, I felt it and I have a hard time dropping that. On my journey, it lifted me out of a dark time. It let me shelve things for a while. To be perused at a later date...

4 - Eternity

-And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.
1 Nephi 4:6

It is typically recommended to young men that they should not have a serious relationship with a girl before they go on a mission. I think the major reason for this is because they have too many ties to home and they may not want to go. I understand this. In buddhist philosophy it is taught that the cause of suffering is attachment. The ultimate goal in life is to rid one's self from attachments in order to find peace. I think many religions have this idea which may differ to some degree, but I think its generally the same concept. Things will be easier and perhaps more fulfilling if one goes on their mission with as few attachments as possible. I think that has a grain of truth.

9 months before I went, I started going out with this cute girl named Wendy. I tried keeping my distance but to make a long story short, I fell in love with her. Luckily she supported my going. When I was on my mission I stopped writing her a bit less than a year out. Why I did this, I don't really know. I was afraid I'd get the "Dear John" all my friends were getting. Also, the more I thought of her, the less I could focus on missionary activities. Looking back, perhaps this was a mistake, as it caused pain on her end. On the other hand, when I let go of this attachment, I did find that I was more capable of focusing on the work.

I served in the England Manchester Mission. The church was building the Preston Temple and the dedication was to be held the week or so after I was due to leave. This just wasn't fair. I'd miss out on all these apostles and Gordon B. Hinkley would be there since this was his mission area when he was a young man as well. I was a week or so away from shaking hands with all these high level church leaders (to an LDS missionary these guys are celebrities). At the next zone conference (where missionaries meet with the mission president) I was going to ask the Mission President if I could have an extension. I think I became "attached" to the mission and especially the idea of meeting all these spiritual giants. When I was in my Mission President's office, I had this strong impression that it is time to go home. Extension or not, my time is up. I need to let go and get back.

When I got home, I found out Wendy moved to Utah. I called and we talked just like it had been before. The problem was, she was in Utah and I in California. If I wanted her, it would be some effort (and I later found out this was her plan). It also gave me the opportunity to date others as well if I wanted to. The night after we talked, I was thinking about all of this. I knelt and prayed. I asked God if this was the woman I was supposed to marry. I had no expectation of what the answer would be and I even accepted the fact that the answer could very possibly be "No" and I would have been okay with that. Immediately after I asked, I felt this warm feeling like I never had felt before. When I prayed about things in the past, I never really got a strong answer and certainly nothing like this. There are a handful of times in my life when I have felt what I've interpreted as a confirmation of the spirit which is identifiably different than simple emotion. This was profound and I KNEW I was to marry her. I was living at home making pretty good money so I took turns flying her home and me out to Utah on weekends. We got engaged on the first night we saw each other since I was home. I really didn't want to waste any time...

...And we didn't waste any time. We were married 5 short months later and when times get tough, I always think back on that spiritual moment in my bedroom when I prayed. It gets me through those tough times and makes me want to be a better husband and make our marriage work. There's a feeling that something outside each of us is involved in our marriage. That we can and are meant to make it through. So far it has worked well and I feel that we have a great marriage.

My entire life I have felt like this guiding force has carried me from stage to stage. Coincidences seem to happen at just the right moments. Now, I've heard that the human brain makes patterns out of things which aren't really patterns. I understand this may be true but I can't quite get there emotionally. There are definitely things which I can explain away but there are some I just can't. I'm less inclined now to think that the Mormon explanation for this is the only good one now but I feel as though there is something. God? the Universe? the Spiritual world connecting with me? If I hadn't come home at the right time, would Wendy have been more involved with someone else? Was I being, guided by some higher power? I don't know, but it felt like it.

The irony is that even now, in the midst of doubt, I feel this same feeling of guidance, leading me to whatever is next on the horizon. I've even had powerful spiritual experiences in some of my darkest hours. Its strange because you wouldn't think to connect doubts, even of the existence of God, to be guided by this same being which I have doubts about. It may not make sense but the feeling of being guided through the doubt gives me hope that there may in fact be something out there after all. Maybe there is something to this letting go of attachment thing, even if it is attachment to the idea that I need or can know anything.

3 -"I Hope They Call Me on a Mission"

I know only as much of God and the world

As a creature with two eyes must.
But what I do understand, I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

Going on a mission for a 19 year old Mormon boy is not really optional. If you don't go, you won't be in that club which other return missionaries are in. For your parents, it's a sign that they've done their job raising you and it is a source of pride for sure. You won't be judged your whole life per se but I've been told by some who didn't go that it always felt like a regret they didn't. You may not be judged your whole life but at the time, people will ask, "why didn't he go on a mission?" and worthiness will certainly be considered as one reason why you wouldn't go. Maybe you messed around with your girlfriend too much or you partied a lot. There is a lot of social pressure to go. All that said, I always wanted to go on a mission. For me, it was something I really wanted to do. I couldn't wait.

Growing up, we were never really well off. My parents told me that they didn't know how they could afford to send me on a mission but I knew it would work out (Mom's influence here). I got my dream job, working as an animator only a year after High School. Living at home, I was able to save more than enough to go on a mission in less than a year. I paid my whole way and I'm still proud of that. When I started telling people at work that I was going to go on a mission for my church, many of them thought I was crazy. An evangelical guy gave me some tapes called, "On the doorstep with a Mormon." I listened to them and thought they were entertaining to be honest but didn't take much of it all that seriously. I knew the guy cared about my soul so I didn't take it personally and I even thanked him.

One guy told me, "you know, you're going to forget how to draw as good and you're throwing your career away." I told him something like, it's worth it to me and it was. I had no illusions of getting my job back. God is watching out for me and I'll be blessed for choosing to serve him first.

When I got home, I called to see if there were any openings and they wanted me to start the very next week and they doubled my pay (which I now realize was pretty low to begin with). The week after I got home and just over two years after I left my career, I went right back into my old job and I actually found that I could draw better.

In Mormonism, there is a strong sense that if you do what is right, you will be blessed. We are trained at an early age to make connections between good stuff that happens to you or others and gifts from God. Certainly, this is true of other religions too but there is almost an expectation that blessings will result from righteousness and asking in prayer for blessings.

When I was pretty young, I think around the age of five, I have a memory of going to the store with my parents. When we were done, we got to the car and it wouldn't start. My Dad is somewhat handy with cars and was trying to fix it. It just wouldn't go. At some point I asked the obvious question, "why don't we say a prayer?" We said a prayer and the car started right up. It was a miracle right? All because of the simple faith of a young boy. Well, it could be more complicated than that. It is apparently a common thing. Car gets flooded, people take a break and say a prayer, the car starts once the engine has had a chance to "unflood". Whether divine influence or not, for a believer these kinds of experiences confirm faith. I spoke with my Dad about this recently and he said, maybe the car was just flooded but maybe it was also something for you to reflect upon in the future to help your faith.

I think that even if coincidences are just that: coincidences, they can still make our lives more meaningful. Perhaps how we interpret them tells us more about ourselves than the event itself. Now, I don't know if landing right back at my dream job was divine providence or that I merely happened to come home when there was a shortage of animators, but at the time, it certainly confirmed my feelings of how the church was "true". I was being watched out for by God and He made sure I was was blessed for my sacrifice. I can think of many other ways to interpret that now, but that is still the most emotionally satisfying. I do hope there is something or someone watching out for us in the heavens. Coincidence or miracle, I still choose to hold these experiences as enriching and meaningful to my life.

One must be careful however when drawing these conclusions and applying them outside our personal life and influence. When one looks at greater issues in the world today: starvation, wars, and general human suffering, one can ask, why is God blessing me when there are all these other problems which one would think God would put a priority on? I think as long as we are humble about it and don't think that we are somehow privelaged, we're on sturdy ground but we should be careful about using these experiences as a way to convince others. I think it is totally valid to consider and interpret them in trying to determine what we believe.

I'll be exploring several of these experiences from my life in the next few posts. They have had deep meaning to me and have influenced my thoughts on things. I interpret them as more than coincidence but I do not expect anyone else to do the same. My conclusions are my own and I respect other interpretations of them as well. No one can know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes so we must be careful that we do not judge them for what it is they believe or do not believe, especially as it applies to personal experiences.

2 - Spiritual Origins

"I maintain that ‘simple faith’ -- which is so often ignorant and simpering acquiescence, and not faith at all -- but simple faith taken at its highest value, which is faith without understanding of the thing believed, is not equal to intelligent faith, the faith that is a gift from God, supplemented by earnest endeavor to find through prayerful thought and research a rational ground for faith -- for acceptance of truth; and hence the duty of striving for a rational faith in which the intellect as well as the heart -- the feeling -- has a place and is a factor." -B.H. Roberts

I grew up in Torrance, California, which is in the L.A. area. My parents are very different from each other in the way they look at their faith. My mother would believe in the church no matter what. She also believes in alternative medicines/energies, etc. I'd classify her as a true believing mormon though with some mystical type beliefs as well, which is more mormon than most mormons today think, and she incorporates those things into her mormon identity. My father, I have come to realize, is far from a typical mormon. He's quite skeptical of most things, including core doctrines of the church. As long as I can remember, he would read the paper and take a nap during General Conference... which isn't always a bad way to spend it I am finding, hehehe.

So it was in this environment that I was raised. I remember identifying with my mother when I was younger. I believed completely in the church, even when I rebelled. No matter what I did, I always intended to come back. I always wanted to go on a mission, marry in the temple, and do all the things good mormons do. I never had to be compelled to do any of those things. I believed in the literalness of the stories and the doctrine. I value this kind of faith. It supports you as you grow up and it gives you something which at least feels real to grasp onto but it does have limitations, much like training wheels on a bicycle.

As I've gotten older, I relate more with my Father. Don't get me wrong, I've seen him in spiritual contexts as well. He was even a Bishop, and I believe he was a good Bishop. I don't think he is or ever has been an atheist or even agnostic but I know he thinks about things and he is definitely not an orthodox mormon. I have come to find more value as I mature, in a nuanced approach. Black and white thinking is much more confining and a rigid faith can be easily shattered, but I believe it has its time and place. Eventually, however, the training wheels needed to come off.