5 - To the Edge and Back

I can't speak for every member of the Church, but for many people who have a crisis of faith, there is an analogy of putting things on the shelf. You put issues which are difficult and which you are uncomfortable dealing with on a proverbial shelf which you can at some later date, or perhaps never, peruse and deal with. Ever since I was able to think about matters of faith on a more adult level, there have been issues which I have put on my personal shelf.

An example that many Mormons could possibly relate with would be polygamy. I think this topic makes many members uncomfortable... especially women. There is a fear that perhaps the church will someday bring this principal back... and there's good reason for this. Many leaders have said that stopping polygamy was only a temporary thing. In a sense, we still have the doctrine. D&C 132 talks explicitly about plural marriage and it has not been removed from our cannon. Also, a man can be sealed to more than one wife even now. One example is that if a man's wife dies, he can become sealed to another wife which means they will be reunited with both in the hereafter. Since the church currently has strongly distanced itself from polygamy, I think most members think that its safe to just leave this in the past where it belongs but for some, this still just doesn't sit right. The deeper you dig, the more of these uncomfortable kinds of issues you will find.

I've heard many people say, they had to move to Utah to lose their faith. In a sense this was true of me, though probably not for the reasons others may intend. There were many reasons why we chose to move to "Zion". I was able to keep my job and do it freelance from home. Plus, house prices in Utah are a LOT cheaper than in California. Working at home has been nice but occasionally I have the freedom to surf the net... well, kind of like now...

A year or so into living in Utah somehow, I began taking things off my proverbial shelf and began looking into the validity of issues which made me uncomfortable. I thought, it's time to find out what this stuff is and if there is any validity.

I literally lost my faith.

I went on the FAIR boards (which is a mormon apologetic organization) to find answers. Sure, the message boards were run by FAIR but the discussions were often toxic. I was exposed to a lot of the issues with church history and I came to the conclusion that its all false. The church is a lie.

Everyone who struggles with intellectual doubts has their issue that they can't keep on the shelf and for me it was Blacks and the Priesthood. It all started with Brigham Young. There were a few black men who were ordained during Joseph Smith's time but under Brigham Young, this stopped. The reasons are fairly speculative as to why he didn't allow them to hold the Priesthood but one thing is clear, there is no official revelation which started the policy... which was all it was, just a simple policy, which could have easily been overturned. The problem was, that many leaders of the church, starting with Brigham, made statements to the effect that blacks would not be given the Priesthood until the Millennium. Not official statements but statements by people who are supposed to be prophets of the Church. Sure it was just a policy but to overturn it would go against something a previous prophet had said. I'm sure it can be seen why this complicates matters. How could a church which claims to be led by God have a policy which many leaders including prophets, say will not be overturned and then, years later overturn it?

Well, that's exactly what happened. In 1978, President Spencer W. Kimball, the prophet of the time, overturned the ban which effectively ended the policy. To complicate matters, the church was BEHIND the "world". By 1978, the Civil Rights movement was more or less finished as pertaining to race. Shouldn't we have been leading this movement instead of being dragged by it? None of the answers seemed satisfactory to me and to this day, this is the issue which has made me change my view of how the church, revelation and prophets really work. It isn't the only troubling issue but at the time, most others were things I could deal with. Blacks and the Priesthood was just the one I couldn't come up with a good explanation for. I and my faith had to change in order to keep believing. For a while I just couldn't do it.

Just to clarify something. I am not pointing out these issues to persuade anyone to stop believing because despite what many may think from reading this blog, I wouldn't classify myself as an unbeliever. I only wish to highlight a couple issues which many Latter Day Saints may find troubling. There are many other issues like this but these are among the more well known.

Filling up the shelf again.

I was a primary teacher (Sunday School for kids) with my wife as my faith was unraveling. It was probably a good thing that I didn't have to sit through Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) and Priesthood (class for just the men; the women have their class as well) at that time. That could have gone poorly. I struggled for months with this burden. I had no one I could talk to about it. I was afraid of telling even my wife Wendy. I never thought she would leave me but I didn't want to place this burden on her. I felt so alone. This wasn't working so I had to change something.

I decided to take it slow. I need to read the Book of Mormon one more time. Whatever the truth about that book, there is something about it which I can't quite let go of. As the holidays were approaching we decided as a family to read the Book of Mormon. I decided to personally just let all those things go for a while. I decided that we would read the Book of Mormon and if I still felt the way I did, I would talk to my wife and figure out if I would leave the church or stay.

That year was a good year. Work was going well. We seemed happier as a family. My faith was growing. I felt better and I even thought, whatever the truth about this book, there is something about it. Close to the end of the year we finished. I knelt down with my family and I prayed. I asked if the Book of Mormon was true. In an earlier entry, I mentioned that there have been few times when I said I felt the spirit like I never had before. When its distinguishable from just emotion. This was one of those handful of times. I KNEW the book was true. I still look back on that moment and I can't help but think that this feeling was in fact some kind of a confirmation. Maybe its not true in the historical sense nor does it mean that it means the church is the one true church, but in some metaphysical sense, it is true and this resonates with me. Its not the only reason, but it is one reason I remain an active participant in the church.

You can definitely explain this away. I wanted it to be true and so my mind told me it was true. Many people try and try for years without having any spiritual confirmation so I need to make sure its clear that this is my experience and I can't judge anyone else's. I fully understand that reasoning and I'm almost convinced of it myself but it was powerful. My family felt it, I felt it and I have a hard time dropping that. On my journey, it lifted me out of a dark time. It let me shelve things for a while. To be perused at a later date...