How does it feel to start to lose your faith? It feels like the world around you... no the universe around you is literally falling apart. This is probably hard for many to understand. For those outside mormonism, you have to realize that in mormonism you "know" things are true. You "know" Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus in a grove in upstate New York. You "know" he translated engravings on gold plates into what we now have as the Book of Mormon. You "know" that John the Baptist literally laid his hands on Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery's heads and gave them the Priesthood, which is also the same Priesthood that God gave Adam. You don't just believe, you know and all the theology is fairly well streamlined now so the universe makes sense and you know your way is what it is. Mormonism IS your universe.For a believing mormon I imagine its hard to understand. It was hard for me at one time as well. How can they question if they've felt the spirit? They must have stopped reading their scriptures or praying or something. I get it, I've been there. My 10 year ago self looking at my current self would not understand so I don't expect those who still believe fully in the church to understand but here's the best I can describe it:
Imagine you're outside one day and suddenly there are huge pieces of the earth just breaking off. Then the stars begin to disappear and then there is just nothing. Something comes and takes the place of it all but it is not quite the same. There's something hostile about this new universe.
Many other religions seem to be fine with people doubting or not being active participants. What do you call an atheist jew? A jew. Its a joke but it illustrates that not all religions require orthodoxy. Mormonism, in its current state, does. It invests you so deeply and completely that losing your faith means losing a piece of yourself. That's just it. It isn't really the universe which has changed, its you. You are now seeing the universe with new eyes... and its not quite as ordered as you once saw it. The universe is a scary place and you don't "know" anything anymore.
Imagine you're outside one day and suddenly there are huge pieces of the earth just breaking off. Then the stars begin to disappear and then there is just nothing. Something comes and takes the place of it all but it is not quite the same. There's something hostile about this new universe.
Many other religions seem to be fine with people doubting or not being active participants. What do you call an atheist jew? A jew. Its a joke but it illustrates that not all religions require orthodoxy. Mormonism, in its current state, does. It invests you so deeply and completely that losing your faith means losing a piece of yourself. That's just it. It isn't really the universe which has changed, its you. You are now seeing the universe with new eyes... and its not quite as ordered as you once saw it. The universe is a scary place and you don't "know" anything anymore.
Hey jeremy its your bro, craig. Finally reading your work in progress. For me my loss of that innocence, that unflinching certainty in the lessons that were drilled into us at a young age came in stages. The first factor was that my whole life I had no choice but to follow 'mormonism' and its beliefs. I never made a active choice to go to church or follow my own path. I just had to go or I would be in trouble. I have felt the spirit in my life but never at church. I was always just bored. I also always felt guilty, there was always somewhere i was falling short. I could not stand feeling like my soul was in perpetual jeopardy. If i couldnt be 'worthy' then why not be whatever i wanted. This is the main driving force behind my rebeliousness in my teens. and early 20s.
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