4 - Eternity

-And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.
1 Nephi 4:6

It is typically recommended to young men that they should not have a serious relationship with a girl before they go on a mission. I think the major reason for this is because they have too many ties to home and they may not want to go. I understand this. In buddhist philosophy it is taught that the cause of suffering is attachment. The ultimate goal in life is to rid one's self from attachments in order to find peace. I think many religions have this idea which may differ to some degree, but I think its generally the same concept. Things will be easier and perhaps more fulfilling if one goes on their mission with as few attachments as possible. I think that has a grain of truth.

9 months before I went, I started going out with this cute girl named Wendy. I tried keeping my distance but to make a long story short, I fell in love with her. Luckily she supported my going. When I was on my mission I stopped writing her a bit less than a year out. Why I did this, I don't really know. I was afraid I'd get the "Dear John" all my friends were getting. Also, the more I thought of her, the less I could focus on missionary activities. Looking back, perhaps this was a mistake, as it caused pain on her end. On the other hand, when I let go of this attachment, I did find that I was more capable of focusing on the work.

I served in the England Manchester Mission. The church was building the Preston Temple and the dedication was to be held the week or so after I was due to leave. This just wasn't fair. I'd miss out on all these apostles and Gordon B. Hinkley would be there since this was his mission area when he was a young man as well. I was a week or so away from shaking hands with all these high level church leaders (to an LDS missionary these guys are celebrities). At the next zone conference (where missionaries meet with the mission president) I was going to ask the Mission President if I could have an extension. I think I became "attached" to the mission and especially the idea of meeting all these spiritual giants. When I was in my Mission President's office, I had this strong impression that it is time to go home. Extension or not, my time is up. I need to let go and get back.

When I got home, I found out Wendy moved to Utah. I called and we talked just like it had been before. The problem was, she was in Utah and I in California. If I wanted her, it would be some effort (and I later found out this was her plan). It also gave me the opportunity to date others as well if I wanted to. The night after we talked, I was thinking about all of this. I knelt and prayed. I asked God if this was the woman I was supposed to marry. I had no expectation of what the answer would be and I even accepted the fact that the answer could very possibly be "No" and I would have been okay with that. Immediately after I asked, I felt this warm feeling like I never had felt before. When I prayed about things in the past, I never really got a strong answer and certainly nothing like this. There are a handful of times in my life when I have felt what I've interpreted as a confirmation of the spirit which is identifiably different than simple emotion. This was profound and I KNEW I was to marry her. I was living at home making pretty good money so I took turns flying her home and me out to Utah on weekends. We got engaged on the first night we saw each other since I was home. I really didn't want to waste any time...

...And we didn't waste any time. We were married 5 short months later and when times get tough, I always think back on that spiritual moment in my bedroom when I prayed. It gets me through those tough times and makes me want to be a better husband and make our marriage work. There's a feeling that something outside each of us is involved in our marriage. That we can and are meant to make it through. So far it has worked well and I feel that we have a great marriage.

My entire life I have felt like this guiding force has carried me from stage to stage. Coincidences seem to happen at just the right moments. Now, I've heard that the human brain makes patterns out of things which aren't really patterns. I understand this may be true but I can't quite get there emotionally. There are definitely things which I can explain away but there are some I just can't. I'm less inclined now to think that the Mormon explanation for this is the only good one now but I feel as though there is something. God? the Universe? the Spiritual world connecting with me? If I hadn't come home at the right time, would Wendy have been more involved with someone else? Was I being, guided by some higher power? I don't know, but it felt like it.

The irony is that even now, in the midst of doubt, I feel this same feeling of guidance, leading me to whatever is next on the horizon. I've even had powerful spiritual experiences in some of my darkest hours. Its strange because you wouldn't think to connect doubts, even of the existence of God, to be guided by this same being which I have doubts about. It may not make sense but the feeling of being guided through the doubt gives me hope that there may in fact be something out there after all. Maybe there is something to this letting go of attachment thing, even if it is attachment to the idea that I need or can know anything.