6 - Experience

In the years following my initial faith crisis, I resolved a lot of the issues that had originally bothered me, at least superficially. One thing that brought me back to questioning however was, interestingly enough, Facebook. Through the wonders of this feature on the digital landscape we are able to connect with long lost friends of the past. Here I found many old acquaintances who had left the church or who no longer seemed to believe. Out of a sincere desire to understand why, I began to delve back into the old issues. For many, once the curtain had been pulled away, they seemed to completely leave their beliefs behind. For me, my faith is like a pendulum. I'm always going back and forth between having faith and being a skeptic. I hear good arguments against the metaphysical that make a lot of sense. However, what brings me back are those personal experiences, which while I understand how they may be explained away, still have had an emotional impact on me that I can't or perhaps don’t want to let go of.

The LDS church has a pretty strict interpretation of tithing, which paradoxically, leaves room for interpretation. It goes something like: you pay 10% of your income to the church. That's the church. It doesn’t count if you pay to some charity you like. "Income" is pretty much open to however you want to define it and there are no hard fast rules for how you should interpret income. That said, culturally, it is understood by most to mean 10% of your gross income.

I never had a problem paying my tithing and it’s always been on the gross... generally because my wife pays the bills. She always sets aside the money for it before paying our other bills. I've heard people tell stories about how they paid their tithing when they didn't know where the money for rent was going to come from and out of no where, an unexpected check would come and save them because of their faith. It makes sense that we would hear these stories and not the ones where the family doesn't get that unexpected check and they lose their house, but that's for another post perhaps. I never had one of those stories… well at least not until 2007 and the Writer's Guild of America decided to strike for several months.

Working as a freelance artist on a television show, I was paid a salary based on a productivity scale. During one rather productive period, I was bringing in a lot of money. Our bank account was filling up quickly and we began to think about what we should do with this small windfall. We had some pretty heavy bills and thought maybe there would be enough for some new purchases. Perhaps even a vacation. We stopped this kind of thinking when rumors of a strike began rumbling in the distance.

You can't have a story without a writer so when the WGA made the decision to strike, the entire industry just shut down. Perhaps you remember when all your favorite shows abruptly stopped mid-season? This is due to the fact that no writers would have been coming up with new story lines and the studios were not going to continue to pay wages when no work was being produced. With this in mind, my wife and I went into saving mode and felt relieved we had some extra cash to extend our survival if necessary.

On December 13, 2007 the work stopped… right before Christmas. Up to this point we had paid our tithing in full. We continued to pay on whatever money came in but the inflow was dramatically less. I like to compare it to flying an airplane and suddenly the engine stops. All you can do is coast. I did find scraps of work here and there and Wendy's job helped a lot but the engine was just sputtering. We were descending monetarily and the ground was fast approaching.

In the middle of February the strike ended, but it was another month before work started trickling in. Three months without work. All the extra money we saved was completely gone and spent on living expenses. I remember praying a lot and trying to trust that we would be taken care of during that time. Some will say that it is during the difficult periods that you have the most faith. That your prayers are sincere, that you try and get close to the spiritual. Sometimes it takes losing a lot to get serious about what you believe in. This was definitely true of us.

The very week we were about to empty out our account was the very week we got the first paycheck after the strike. We had been saved! All the praying and faith had paid off. We never went in the negative monetarily nor did we go further into debt. It was such a blessing. But we weren't out of the woods yet, because that very same year the actors' contract was also up for renegotiation and they were fairly slow in reaching an agreement. I worked for three months and then we went through another two months of no work. I did have a few side jobs, which helped, but for a second time the week we were about to run out of money we got a check from work. We were doing all we could do, but in the end, it seemed as though we were saved by grace. Okay, if the first time was just a coincidence, how do I explain it happening a second time?

That time felt as though I was just flowing down rapids in a river with no control over where I was going or whether I would drown or not. Something external appeared to keep me afloat. Whether its rational or not, experiences have an effect on our beliefs and that experience had a powerful effect on me. I felt close to God. I still had doubts and I still had questions but I they didn’t seem so daunting anymore. Perhaps that is why I allowed myself to explore them again. This time would be different …and it was.

5 - To the Edge and Back

I can't speak for every member of the Church, but for many people who have a crisis of faith, there is an analogy of putting things on the shelf. You put issues which are difficult and which you are uncomfortable dealing with on a proverbial shelf which you can at some later date, or perhaps never, peruse and deal with. Ever since I was able to think about matters of faith on a more adult level, there have been issues which I have put on my personal shelf.

An example that many Mormons could possibly relate with would be polygamy. I think this topic makes many members uncomfortable... especially women. There is a fear that perhaps the church will someday bring this principal back... and there's good reason for this. Many leaders have said that stopping polygamy was only a temporary thing. In a sense, we still have the doctrine. D&C 132 talks explicitly about plural marriage and it has not been removed from our cannon. Also, a man can be sealed to more than one wife even now. One example is that if a man's wife dies, he can become sealed to another wife which means they will be reunited with both in the hereafter. Since the church currently has strongly distanced itself from polygamy, I think most members think that its safe to just leave this in the past where it belongs but for some, this still just doesn't sit right. The deeper you dig, the more of these uncomfortable kinds of issues you will find.

I've heard many people say, they had to move to Utah to lose their faith. In a sense this was true of me, though probably not for the reasons others may intend. There were many reasons why we chose to move to "Zion". I was able to keep my job and do it freelance from home. Plus, house prices in Utah are a LOT cheaper than in California. Working at home has been nice but occasionally I have the freedom to surf the net... well, kind of like now...

A year or so into living in Utah somehow, I began taking things off my proverbial shelf and began looking into the validity of issues which made me uncomfortable. I thought, it's time to find out what this stuff is and if there is any validity.

I literally lost my faith.

I went on the FAIR boards (which is a mormon apologetic organization) to find answers. Sure, the message boards were run by FAIR but the discussions were often toxic. I was exposed to a lot of the issues with church history and I came to the conclusion that its all false. The church is a lie.

Everyone who struggles with intellectual doubts has their issue that they can't keep on the shelf and for me it was Blacks and the Priesthood. It all started with Brigham Young. There were a few black men who were ordained during Joseph Smith's time but under Brigham Young, this stopped. The reasons are fairly speculative as to why he didn't allow them to hold the Priesthood but one thing is clear, there is no official revelation which started the policy... which was all it was, just a simple policy, which could have easily been overturned. The problem was, that many leaders of the church, starting with Brigham, made statements to the effect that blacks would not be given the Priesthood until the Millennium. Not official statements but statements by people who are supposed to be prophets of the Church. Sure it was just a policy but to overturn it would go against something a previous prophet had said. I'm sure it can be seen why this complicates matters. How could a church which claims to be led by God have a policy which many leaders including prophets, say will not be overturned and then, years later overturn it?

Well, that's exactly what happened. In 1978, President Spencer W. Kimball, the prophet of the time, overturned the ban which effectively ended the policy. To complicate matters, the church was BEHIND the "world". By 1978, the Civil Rights movement was more or less finished as pertaining to race. Shouldn't we have been leading this movement instead of being dragged by it? None of the answers seemed satisfactory to me and to this day, this is the issue which has made me change my view of how the church, revelation and prophets really work. It isn't the only troubling issue but at the time, most others were things I could deal with. Blacks and the Priesthood was just the one I couldn't come up with a good explanation for. I and my faith had to change in order to keep believing. For a while I just couldn't do it.

Just to clarify something. I am not pointing out these issues to persuade anyone to stop believing because despite what many may think from reading this blog, I wouldn't classify myself as an unbeliever. I only wish to highlight a couple issues which many Latter Day Saints may find troubling. There are many other issues like this but these are among the more well known.

Filling up the shelf again.

I was a primary teacher (Sunday School for kids) with my wife as my faith was unraveling. It was probably a good thing that I didn't have to sit through Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) and Priesthood (class for just the men; the women have their class as well) at that time. That could have gone poorly. I struggled for months with this burden. I had no one I could talk to about it. I was afraid of telling even my wife Wendy. I never thought she would leave me but I didn't want to place this burden on her. I felt so alone. This wasn't working so I had to change something.

I decided to take it slow. I need to read the Book of Mormon one more time. Whatever the truth about that book, there is something about it which I can't quite let go of. As the holidays were approaching we decided as a family to read the Book of Mormon. I decided to personally just let all those things go for a while. I decided that we would read the Book of Mormon and if I still felt the way I did, I would talk to my wife and figure out if I would leave the church or stay.

That year was a good year. Work was going well. We seemed happier as a family. My faith was growing. I felt better and I even thought, whatever the truth about this book, there is something about it. Close to the end of the year we finished. I knelt down with my family and I prayed. I asked if the Book of Mormon was true. In an earlier entry, I mentioned that there have been few times when I said I felt the spirit like I never had before. When its distinguishable from just emotion. This was one of those handful of times. I KNEW the book was true. I still look back on that moment and I can't help but think that this feeling was in fact some kind of a confirmation. Maybe its not true in the historical sense nor does it mean that it means the church is the one true church, but in some metaphysical sense, it is true and this resonates with me. Its not the only reason, but it is one reason I remain an active participant in the church.

You can definitely explain this away. I wanted it to be true and so my mind told me it was true. Many people try and try for years without having any spiritual confirmation so I need to make sure its clear that this is my experience and I can't judge anyone else's. I fully understand that reasoning and I'm almost convinced of it myself but it was powerful. My family felt it, I felt it and I have a hard time dropping that. On my journey, it lifted me out of a dark time. It let me shelve things for a while. To be perused at a later date...

4 - Eternity

-And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.
1 Nephi 4:6

It is typically recommended to young men that they should not have a serious relationship with a girl before they go on a mission. I think the major reason for this is because they have too many ties to home and they may not want to go. I understand this. In buddhist philosophy it is taught that the cause of suffering is attachment. The ultimate goal in life is to rid one's self from attachments in order to find peace. I think many religions have this idea which may differ to some degree, but I think its generally the same concept. Things will be easier and perhaps more fulfilling if one goes on their mission with as few attachments as possible. I think that has a grain of truth.

9 months before I went, I started going out with this cute girl named Wendy. I tried keeping my distance but to make a long story short, I fell in love with her. Luckily she supported my going. When I was on my mission I stopped writing her a bit less than a year out. Why I did this, I don't really know. I was afraid I'd get the "Dear John" all my friends were getting. Also, the more I thought of her, the less I could focus on missionary activities. Looking back, perhaps this was a mistake, as it caused pain on her end. On the other hand, when I let go of this attachment, I did find that I was more capable of focusing on the work.

I served in the England Manchester Mission. The church was building the Preston Temple and the dedication was to be held the week or so after I was due to leave. This just wasn't fair. I'd miss out on all these apostles and Gordon B. Hinkley would be there since this was his mission area when he was a young man as well. I was a week or so away from shaking hands with all these high level church leaders (to an LDS missionary these guys are celebrities). At the next zone conference (where missionaries meet with the mission president) I was going to ask the Mission President if I could have an extension. I think I became "attached" to the mission and especially the idea of meeting all these spiritual giants. When I was in my Mission President's office, I had this strong impression that it is time to go home. Extension or not, my time is up. I need to let go and get back.

When I got home, I found out Wendy moved to Utah. I called and we talked just like it had been before. The problem was, she was in Utah and I in California. If I wanted her, it would be some effort (and I later found out this was her plan). It also gave me the opportunity to date others as well if I wanted to. The night after we talked, I was thinking about all of this. I knelt and prayed. I asked God if this was the woman I was supposed to marry. I had no expectation of what the answer would be and I even accepted the fact that the answer could very possibly be "No" and I would have been okay with that. Immediately after I asked, I felt this warm feeling like I never had felt before. When I prayed about things in the past, I never really got a strong answer and certainly nothing like this. There are a handful of times in my life when I have felt what I've interpreted as a confirmation of the spirit which is identifiably different than simple emotion. This was profound and I KNEW I was to marry her. I was living at home making pretty good money so I took turns flying her home and me out to Utah on weekends. We got engaged on the first night we saw each other since I was home. I really didn't want to waste any time...

...And we didn't waste any time. We were married 5 short months later and when times get tough, I always think back on that spiritual moment in my bedroom when I prayed. It gets me through those tough times and makes me want to be a better husband and make our marriage work. There's a feeling that something outside each of us is involved in our marriage. That we can and are meant to make it through. So far it has worked well and I feel that we have a great marriage.

My entire life I have felt like this guiding force has carried me from stage to stage. Coincidences seem to happen at just the right moments. Now, I've heard that the human brain makes patterns out of things which aren't really patterns. I understand this may be true but I can't quite get there emotionally. There are definitely things which I can explain away but there are some I just can't. I'm less inclined now to think that the Mormon explanation for this is the only good one now but I feel as though there is something. God? the Universe? the Spiritual world connecting with me? If I hadn't come home at the right time, would Wendy have been more involved with someone else? Was I being, guided by some higher power? I don't know, but it felt like it.

The irony is that even now, in the midst of doubt, I feel this same feeling of guidance, leading me to whatever is next on the horizon. I've even had powerful spiritual experiences in some of my darkest hours. Its strange because you wouldn't think to connect doubts, even of the existence of God, to be guided by this same being which I have doubts about. It may not make sense but the feeling of being guided through the doubt gives me hope that there may in fact be something out there after all. Maybe there is something to this letting go of attachment thing, even if it is attachment to the idea that I need or can know anything.

3 -"I Hope They Call Me on a Mission"

I know only as much of God and the world

As a creature with two eyes must.
But what I do understand, I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

Going on a mission for a 19 year old Mormon boy is not really optional. If you don't go, you won't be in that club which other return missionaries are in. For your parents, it's a sign that they've done their job raising you and it is a source of pride for sure. You won't be judged your whole life per se but I've been told by some who didn't go that it always felt like a regret they didn't. You may not be judged your whole life but at the time, people will ask, "why didn't he go on a mission?" and worthiness will certainly be considered as one reason why you wouldn't go. Maybe you messed around with your girlfriend too much or you partied a lot. There is a lot of social pressure to go. All that said, I always wanted to go on a mission. For me, it was something I really wanted to do. I couldn't wait.

Growing up, we were never really well off. My parents told me that they didn't know how they could afford to send me on a mission but I knew it would work out (Mom's influence here). I got my dream job, working as an animator only a year after High School. Living at home, I was able to save more than enough to go on a mission in less than a year. I paid my whole way and I'm still proud of that. When I started telling people at work that I was going to go on a mission for my church, many of them thought I was crazy. An evangelical guy gave me some tapes called, "On the doorstep with a Mormon." I listened to them and thought they were entertaining to be honest but didn't take much of it all that seriously. I knew the guy cared about my soul so I didn't take it personally and I even thanked him.

One guy told me, "you know, you're going to forget how to draw as good and you're throwing your career away." I told him something like, it's worth it to me and it was. I had no illusions of getting my job back. God is watching out for me and I'll be blessed for choosing to serve him first.

When I got home, I called to see if there were any openings and they wanted me to start the very next week and they doubled my pay (which I now realize was pretty low to begin with). The week after I got home and just over two years after I left my career, I went right back into my old job and I actually found that I could draw better.

In Mormonism, there is a strong sense that if you do what is right, you will be blessed. We are trained at an early age to make connections between good stuff that happens to you or others and gifts from God. Certainly, this is true of other religions too but there is almost an expectation that blessings will result from righteousness and asking in prayer for blessings.

When I was pretty young, I think around the age of five, I have a memory of going to the store with my parents. When we were done, we got to the car and it wouldn't start. My Dad is somewhat handy with cars and was trying to fix it. It just wouldn't go. At some point I asked the obvious question, "why don't we say a prayer?" We said a prayer and the car started right up. It was a miracle right? All because of the simple faith of a young boy. Well, it could be more complicated than that. It is apparently a common thing. Car gets flooded, people take a break and say a prayer, the car starts once the engine has had a chance to "unflood". Whether divine influence or not, for a believer these kinds of experiences confirm faith. I spoke with my Dad about this recently and he said, maybe the car was just flooded but maybe it was also something for you to reflect upon in the future to help your faith.

I think that even if coincidences are just that: coincidences, they can still make our lives more meaningful. Perhaps how we interpret them tells us more about ourselves than the event itself. Now, I don't know if landing right back at my dream job was divine providence or that I merely happened to come home when there was a shortage of animators, but at the time, it certainly confirmed my feelings of how the church was "true". I was being watched out for by God and He made sure I was was blessed for my sacrifice. I can think of many other ways to interpret that now, but that is still the most emotionally satisfying. I do hope there is something or someone watching out for us in the heavens. Coincidence or miracle, I still choose to hold these experiences as enriching and meaningful to my life.

One must be careful however when drawing these conclusions and applying them outside our personal life and influence. When one looks at greater issues in the world today: starvation, wars, and general human suffering, one can ask, why is God blessing me when there are all these other problems which one would think God would put a priority on? I think as long as we are humble about it and don't think that we are somehow privelaged, we're on sturdy ground but we should be careful about using these experiences as a way to convince others. I think it is totally valid to consider and interpret them in trying to determine what we believe.

I'll be exploring several of these experiences from my life in the next few posts. They have had deep meaning to me and have influenced my thoughts on things. I interpret them as more than coincidence but I do not expect anyone else to do the same. My conclusions are my own and I respect other interpretations of them as well. No one can know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes so we must be careful that we do not judge them for what it is they believe or do not believe, especially as it applies to personal experiences.

2 - Spiritual Origins

"I maintain that ‘simple faith’ -- which is so often ignorant and simpering acquiescence, and not faith at all -- but simple faith taken at its highest value, which is faith without understanding of the thing believed, is not equal to intelligent faith, the faith that is a gift from God, supplemented by earnest endeavor to find through prayerful thought and research a rational ground for faith -- for acceptance of truth; and hence the duty of striving for a rational faith in which the intellect as well as the heart -- the feeling -- has a place and is a factor." -B.H. Roberts

I grew up in Torrance, California, which is in the L.A. area. My parents are very different from each other in the way they look at their faith. My mother would believe in the church no matter what. She also believes in alternative medicines/energies, etc. I'd classify her as a true believing mormon though with some mystical type beliefs as well, which is more mormon than most mormons today think, and she incorporates those things into her mormon identity. My father, I have come to realize, is far from a typical mormon. He's quite skeptical of most things, including core doctrines of the church. As long as I can remember, he would read the paper and take a nap during General Conference... which isn't always a bad way to spend it I am finding, hehehe.

So it was in this environment that I was raised. I remember identifying with my mother when I was younger. I believed completely in the church, even when I rebelled. No matter what I did, I always intended to come back. I always wanted to go on a mission, marry in the temple, and do all the things good mormons do. I never had to be compelled to do any of those things. I believed in the literalness of the stories and the doctrine. I value this kind of faith. It supports you as you grow up and it gives you something which at least feels real to grasp onto but it does have limitations, much like training wheels on a bicycle.

As I've gotten older, I relate more with my Father. Don't get me wrong, I've seen him in spiritual contexts as well. He was even a Bishop, and I believe he was a good Bishop. I don't think he is or ever has been an atheist or even agnostic but I know he thinks about things and he is definitely not an orthodox mormon. I have come to find more value as I mature, in a nuanced approach. Black and white thinking is much more confining and a rigid faith can be easily shattered, but I believe it has its time and place. Eventually, however, the training wheels needed to come off.

1-Staring into the Abyss

How does it feel to start to lose your faith? It feels like the world around you... no the universe around you is literally falling apart. This is probably hard for many to understand. For those outside mormonism, you have to realize that in mormonism you "know" things are true. You "know" Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus in a grove in upstate New York. You "know" he translated engravings on gold plates into what we now have as the Book of Mormon. You "know" that John the Baptist literally laid his hands on Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery's heads and gave them the Priesthood, which is also the same Priesthood that God gave Adam. You don't just believe, you know and all the theology is fairly well streamlined now so the universe makes sense and you know your way is what it is. Mormonism IS your universe.

For a believing mormon I imagine its hard to understand. It was hard for me at one time as well. How can they question if they've felt the spirit? They must have stopped reading their scriptures or praying or something. I get it, I've been there. My 10 year ago self looking at my current self would not understand so I don't expect those who still believe fully in the church to understand but here's the best I can describe it:

Imagine you're outside one day and suddenly there are huge pieces of the earth just breaking off. Then the stars begin to disappear and then there is just nothing. Something comes and takes the place of it all but it is not quite the same. There's something hostile about this new universe.

Many other religions seem to be fine with people doubting or not being active participants. What do you call an atheist jew? A jew. Its a joke but it illustrates that not all religions require orthodoxy. Mormonism, in its current state, does. It invests you so deeply and completely that losing your faith means losing a piece of yourself. That's just it. It isn't really the universe which has changed, its you. You are now seeing the universe with new eyes... and its not quite as ordered as you once saw it. The universe is a scary place and you don't "know" anything anymore.

Opening up

Over the past few years I have kept a deep dark secret. I have had serious doubts about the religion of my ancestors. If you wish you can follow along as I open up about this journey I've been on. I will warn those who believe that I'm going to go places which may not be comfortable for you to go. They certainly haven't been comfortable for me. Those who don't believe in anything may also not love everything I write and may even be critical, but its me. I'm putting myself out there. I don't have high hopes for this blog but I hope that it will at least be interesting. Its as true as I can make it and I hope it resonates with some, if only to give myself some hope I'm not crazy, hehehe... oh and perhaps help someone else who may be going through something similar.