4 - Eternity

-And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.
1 Nephi 4:6

It is typically recommended to young men that they should not have a serious relationship with a girl before they go on a mission. I think the major reason for this is because they have too many ties to home and they may not want to go. I understand this. In buddhist philosophy it is taught that the cause of suffering is attachment. The ultimate goal in life is to rid one's self from attachments in order to find peace. I think many religions have this idea which may differ to some degree, but I think its generally the same concept. Things will be easier and perhaps more fulfilling if one goes on their mission with as few attachments as possible. I think that has a grain of truth.

9 months before I went, I started going out with this cute girl named Wendy. I tried keeping my distance but to make a long story short, I fell in love with her. Luckily she supported my going. When I was on my mission I stopped writing her a bit less than a year out. Why I did this, I don't really know. I was afraid I'd get the "Dear John" all my friends were getting. Also, the more I thought of her, the less I could focus on missionary activities. Looking back, perhaps this was a mistake, as it caused pain on her end. On the other hand, when I let go of this attachment, I did find that I was more capable of focusing on the work.

I served in the England Manchester Mission. The church was building the Preston Temple and the dedication was to be held the week or so after I was due to leave. This just wasn't fair. I'd miss out on all these apostles and Gordon B. Hinkley would be there since this was his mission area when he was a young man as well. I was a week or so away from shaking hands with all these high level church leaders (to an LDS missionary these guys are celebrities). At the next zone conference (where missionaries meet with the mission president) I was going to ask the Mission President if I could have an extension. I think I became "attached" to the mission and especially the idea of meeting all these spiritual giants. When I was in my Mission President's office, I had this strong impression that it is time to go home. Extension or not, my time is up. I need to let go and get back.

When I got home, I found out Wendy moved to Utah. I called and we talked just like it had been before. The problem was, she was in Utah and I in California. If I wanted her, it would be some effort (and I later found out this was her plan). It also gave me the opportunity to date others as well if I wanted to. The night after we talked, I was thinking about all of this. I knelt and prayed. I asked God if this was the woman I was supposed to marry. I had no expectation of what the answer would be and I even accepted the fact that the answer could very possibly be "No" and I would have been okay with that. Immediately after I asked, I felt this warm feeling like I never had felt before. When I prayed about things in the past, I never really got a strong answer and certainly nothing like this. There are a handful of times in my life when I have felt what I've interpreted as a confirmation of the spirit which is identifiably different than simple emotion. This was profound and I KNEW I was to marry her. I was living at home making pretty good money so I took turns flying her home and me out to Utah on weekends. We got engaged on the first night we saw each other since I was home. I really didn't want to waste any time...

...And we didn't waste any time. We were married 5 short months later and when times get tough, I always think back on that spiritual moment in my bedroom when I prayed. It gets me through those tough times and makes me want to be a better husband and make our marriage work. There's a feeling that something outside each of us is involved in our marriage. That we can and are meant to make it through. So far it has worked well and I feel that we have a great marriage.

My entire life I have felt like this guiding force has carried me from stage to stage. Coincidences seem to happen at just the right moments. Now, I've heard that the human brain makes patterns out of things which aren't really patterns. I understand this may be true but I can't quite get there emotionally. There are definitely things which I can explain away but there are some I just can't. I'm less inclined now to think that the Mormon explanation for this is the only good one now but I feel as though there is something. God? the Universe? the Spiritual world connecting with me? If I hadn't come home at the right time, would Wendy have been more involved with someone else? Was I being, guided by some higher power? I don't know, but it felt like it.

The irony is that even now, in the midst of doubt, I feel this same feeling of guidance, leading me to whatever is next on the horizon. I've even had powerful spiritual experiences in some of my darkest hours. Its strange because you wouldn't think to connect doubts, even of the existence of God, to be guided by this same being which I have doubts about. It may not make sense but the feeling of being guided through the doubt gives me hope that there may in fact be something out there after all. Maybe there is something to this letting go of attachment thing, even if it is attachment to the idea that I need or can know anything.

3 -"I Hope They Call Me on a Mission"

I know only as much of God and the world

As a creature with two eyes must.
But what I do understand, I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

Going on a mission for a 19 year old Mormon boy is not really optional. If you don't go, you won't be in that club which other return missionaries are in. For your parents, it's a sign that they've done their job raising you and it is a source of pride for sure. You won't be judged your whole life per se but I've been told by some who didn't go that it always felt like a regret they didn't. You may not be judged your whole life but at the time, people will ask, "why didn't he go on a mission?" and worthiness will certainly be considered as one reason why you wouldn't go. Maybe you messed around with your girlfriend too much or you partied a lot. There is a lot of social pressure to go. All that said, I always wanted to go on a mission. For me, it was something I really wanted to do. I couldn't wait.

Growing up, we were never really well off. My parents told me that they didn't know how they could afford to send me on a mission but I knew it would work out (Mom's influence here). I got my dream job, working as an animator only a year after High School. Living at home, I was able to save more than enough to go on a mission in less than a year. I paid my whole way and I'm still proud of that. When I started telling people at work that I was going to go on a mission for my church, many of them thought I was crazy. An evangelical guy gave me some tapes called, "On the doorstep with a Mormon." I listened to them and thought they were entertaining to be honest but didn't take much of it all that seriously. I knew the guy cared about my soul so I didn't take it personally and I even thanked him.

One guy told me, "you know, you're going to forget how to draw as good and you're throwing your career away." I told him something like, it's worth it to me and it was. I had no illusions of getting my job back. God is watching out for me and I'll be blessed for choosing to serve him first.

When I got home, I called to see if there were any openings and they wanted me to start the very next week and they doubled my pay (which I now realize was pretty low to begin with). The week after I got home and just over two years after I left my career, I went right back into my old job and I actually found that I could draw better.

In Mormonism, there is a strong sense that if you do what is right, you will be blessed. We are trained at an early age to make connections between good stuff that happens to you or others and gifts from God. Certainly, this is true of other religions too but there is almost an expectation that blessings will result from righteousness and asking in prayer for blessings.

When I was pretty young, I think around the age of five, I have a memory of going to the store with my parents. When we were done, we got to the car and it wouldn't start. My Dad is somewhat handy with cars and was trying to fix it. It just wouldn't go. At some point I asked the obvious question, "why don't we say a prayer?" We said a prayer and the car started right up. It was a miracle right? All because of the simple faith of a young boy. Well, it could be more complicated than that. It is apparently a common thing. Car gets flooded, people take a break and say a prayer, the car starts once the engine has had a chance to "unflood". Whether divine influence or not, for a believer these kinds of experiences confirm faith. I spoke with my Dad about this recently and he said, maybe the car was just flooded but maybe it was also something for you to reflect upon in the future to help your faith.

I think that even if coincidences are just that: coincidences, they can still make our lives more meaningful. Perhaps how we interpret them tells us more about ourselves than the event itself. Now, I don't know if landing right back at my dream job was divine providence or that I merely happened to come home when there was a shortage of animators, but at the time, it certainly confirmed my feelings of how the church was "true". I was being watched out for by God and He made sure I was was blessed for my sacrifice. I can think of many other ways to interpret that now, but that is still the most emotionally satisfying. I do hope there is something or someone watching out for us in the heavens. Coincidence or miracle, I still choose to hold these experiences as enriching and meaningful to my life.

One must be careful however when drawing these conclusions and applying them outside our personal life and influence. When one looks at greater issues in the world today: starvation, wars, and general human suffering, one can ask, why is God blessing me when there are all these other problems which one would think God would put a priority on? I think as long as we are humble about it and don't think that we are somehow privelaged, we're on sturdy ground but we should be careful about using these experiences as a way to convince others. I think it is totally valid to consider and interpret them in trying to determine what we believe.

I'll be exploring several of these experiences from my life in the next few posts. They have had deep meaning to me and have influenced my thoughts on things. I interpret them as more than coincidence but I do not expect anyone else to do the same. My conclusions are my own and I respect other interpretations of them as well. No one can know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes so we must be careful that we do not judge them for what it is they believe or do not believe, especially as it applies to personal experiences.

2 - Spiritual Origins

"I maintain that ‘simple faith’ -- which is so often ignorant and simpering acquiescence, and not faith at all -- but simple faith taken at its highest value, which is faith without understanding of the thing believed, is not equal to intelligent faith, the faith that is a gift from God, supplemented by earnest endeavor to find through prayerful thought and research a rational ground for faith -- for acceptance of truth; and hence the duty of striving for a rational faith in which the intellect as well as the heart -- the feeling -- has a place and is a factor." -B.H. Roberts

I grew up in Torrance, California, which is in the L.A. area. My parents are very different from each other in the way they look at their faith. My mother would believe in the church no matter what. She also believes in alternative medicines/energies, etc. I'd classify her as a true believing mormon though with some mystical type beliefs as well, which is more mormon than most mormons today think, and she incorporates those things into her mormon identity. My father, I have come to realize, is far from a typical mormon. He's quite skeptical of most things, including core doctrines of the church. As long as I can remember, he would read the paper and take a nap during General Conference... which isn't always a bad way to spend it I am finding, hehehe.

So it was in this environment that I was raised. I remember identifying with my mother when I was younger. I believed completely in the church, even when I rebelled. No matter what I did, I always intended to come back. I always wanted to go on a mission, marry in the temple, and do all the things good mormons do. I never had to be compelled to do any of those things. I believed in the literalness of the stories and the doctrine. I value this kind of faith. It supports you as you grow up and it gives you something which at least feels real to grasp onto but it does have limitations, much like training wheels on a bicycle.

As I've gotten older, I relate more with my Father. Don't get me wrong, I've seen him in spiritual contexts as well. He was even a Bishop, and I believe he was a good Bishop. I don't think he is or ever has been an atheist or even agnostic but I know he thinks about things and he is definitely not an orthodox mormon. I have come to find more value as I mature, in a nuanced approach. Black and white thinking is much more confining and a rigid faith can be easily shattered, but I believe it has its time and place. Eventually, however, the training wheels needed to come off.

1-Staring into the Abyss

How does it feel to start to lose your faith? It feels like the world around you... no the universe around you is literally falling apart. This is probably hard for many to understand. For those outside mormonism, you have to realize that in mormonism you "know" things are true. You "know" Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus in a grove in upstate New York. You "know" he translated engravings on gold plates into what we now have as the Book of Mormon. You "know" that John the Baptist literally laid his hands on Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery's heads and gave them the Priesthood, which is also the same Priesthood that God gave Adam. You don't just believe, you know and all the theology is fairly well streamlined now so the universe makes sense and you know your way is what it is. Mormonism IS your universe.

For a believing mormon I imagine its hard to understand. It was hard for me at one time as well. How can they question if they've felt the spirit? They must have stopped reading their scriptures or praying or something. I get it, I've been there. My 10 year ago self looking at my current self would not understand so I don't expect those who still believe fully in the church to understand but here's the best I can describe it:

Imagine you're outside one day and suddenly there are huge pieces of the earth just breaking off. Then the stars begin to disappear and then there is just nothing. Something comes and takes the place of it all but it is not quite the same. There's something hostile about this new universe.

Many other religions seem to be fine with people doubting or not being active participants. What do you call an atheist jew? A jew. Its a joke but it illustrates that not all religions require orthodoxy. Mormonism, in its current state, does. It invests you so deeply and completely that losing your faith means losing a piece of yourself. That's just it. It isn't really the universe which has changed, its you. You are now seeing the universe with new eyes... and its not quite as ordered as you once saw it. The universe is a scary place and you don't "know" anything anymore.